Brooklyn, NY, April 13 (AP) –
In a startling development that medical researchers familiar with the history of his early adulthood called “completely unexpected” and “really, I mean, like totally, out of left field”, software developer and erstwhile recording engineer Malcolm Pollack marked his 50th birthday today.
The portly PubSub programmer’s hemicentennial was greeted with happy surprise in other quarters as well.
“We sure never saw this coming, but hey, we’ll take it!” said Hugo Grasping, a spokesperson for the Internal Revenue Service.
Brewery and distilled-spirits stocks rose sharply as the shocking news made its way around the world’s trading floors. Dougal MacCallan, financial consultant for John Dewar and Sons, reached by phone in his office in Spittal of Glenshee, Perthshire, was gladdened by the news.
“There’s nae poackits in a shroud,” he chuckled, contemplating robust sales.
Elsewhere, employees at the Dogfish Head brewery, in Milton, Delaware, briefly interrupted their celebration to talk to reporters. “Whoooo-hooo!!” said one, pumping his fist in the air and gyrating lewdly. “Baby needs a new pair of shoes.”