Experts Stunned as Pollack Turns 50

Brooklyn, NY, April 13 (AP) –

In a startling development that medical researchers familiar with the history of his early adulthood called “completely unexpected” and “really, I mean, like totally, out of left field”, software developer and erstwhile recording engineer Malcolm Pollack marked his 50th birthday today.

The portly PubSub programmer’s hemicentennial was greeted with happy surprise in other quarters as well.

“We sure never saw this coming, but hey, we’ll take it!” said Hugo Grasping, a spokesperson for the Internal Revenue Service.

Brewery and distilled-spirits stocks rose sharply as the shocking news made its way around the world’s trading floors. Dougal MacCallan, financial consultant for John Dewar and Sons, reached by phone in his office in Spittal of Glenshee, Perthshire, was gladdened by the news.
“There’s nae poackits in a shroud,” he chuckled, contemplating robust sales.

Elsewhere, employees at the Dogfish Head brewery, in Milton, Delaware, briefly interrupted their celebration to talk to reporters. “Whoooo-hooo!!” said one, pumping his fist in the air and gyrating lewdly. “Baby needs a new pair of shoes.”


  1. Bob Koepp says

    Congratulations on confounding the oddsmakers, or at least the naysayers!

    Posted April 13, 2006 at 2:24 pm | Permalink
  2. Malcolm says

    Thanks, Bob. It must be my breakfast routine: a tumbler of Everclear and a pound of raw shark’s liver. Whatever it is, it seems to be working. Looks like I might be around for months to come, in fact.

    Posted April 13, 2006 at 3:03 pm | Permalink
  3. Robert says

    Heartiest congratulations, Malcolm. Hoist or knock back one for me,and I’ll do the same to celebrate, but it will have to wait for the morrow, as I go now to slay an opponent (‘s King, that is) in the final game of the Reno Chess Club Class Championships.

    Posted April 13, 2006 at 8:01 pm | Permalink
  4. Malcolm says

    Thanks! – and show no mercy, Robert.

    Hoisting one extra will not be a problem.


    Posted April 13, 2006 at 10:53 pm | Permalink
  5. Jon says

    Happy Birthday Malcolm. I will have to buy you a beer when and what seems to feel like “if” I ever make it back to NY. Still sitting in the airport waiting on the red-eye. Here is to 50 more my friend!

    Posted April 15, 2006 at 12:27 am | Permalink
  6. Kevin Kim says

    A belated Happy Birthday to you, Malcolm!

    Saeng-shin ch’uk-ha deurim-nida!
    Joyeux anniversaire!


    Posted April 16, 2006 at 12:55 am | Permalink
  7. Malcolm says

    Thanks, my friends!

    The only downside, really, to turning 50 is that I’m realizing that pretty soon I am going to have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up…


    Posted April 16, 2006 at 11:13 am | Permalink
  8. Mike Z says

    I was shocked to hear he was only 50. :-)

    – M

    Posted April 18, 2006 at 11:32 am | Permalink
  9. Malcolm says

    I know, I know – such sagacity in one so young…

    Posted April 18, 2006 at 11:36 am | Permalink

3 Trackbacks

  1. By Maverick Philosopher on April 25, 2006 at 9:30 pm

    An Argument for Necessary Beings

    Dedication: To Malcolm Pollack on the occasion of his turning fifty.

    1. A contingent being is one the nonexistence of which is poss…

  2. […] I don’t spend a lot of time in the recording studio these days; one of the reasons that I took up software development after twenty-odd years of making records for a living was that the long and irregular hours were beginning to get to me. It was not a big deal, really, to do multiple consecutive sixteen-hour sessions when I was in my twenties; I’d just collapse for a day after the project ended, and I’d be fine. But as I got older it got harder to bounce back, and I’d spend days in a fog after such marathons. Now I’m 50 (50!), and I have to say that after putting in 32 hours in two days on Tuesday and Wednesday over at Right Track I feel about as focused and articulate as Ozzy Osborne on a fistful of ‘ludes. So instead of the usual piercing analysis and trenchant commentary on the passing scene, I’ll just have to leave you today with something else to worry about: Giant Hogweed. It’s big, it’s phototoxic, it looks like a cow parsley on steroids, and it’s coming your way. Learn more here, and here. […]

  3. […] But crossing our broad and brawny continent wasn’t the only thing on my busy schedule today; far from it! This morning I was up at the crack of dawn so that I might enjoy a minor medical procedure – I won’t go into the details, except to say that it involves a glimpse of parts that normally don’t see the light of day, was not occasioned by any symptom or complaint on my part, but is, rather, simply something that it is recommended that one do upon turning 50, and is a procedure during which a patient might ask the doctor “how’s business?”, in reponse to which he might humorously reply “looking up!”. […]

Post a Comment

Your email is never shared. Required fields are marked *