Turning the Tide

Well, time to lay off politics for a moment – although there is plenty to talk about, in particular that narcissistic moonbat Hugo Chávez’s statesmanlike performance at the UN, and the heartening domestic response in which even familiar left-wing drones such as Nancy Pelosi and Charlie Rangel paused in their bastinadoing of the C. in C. to circle the wagons. “Hey! You can’t slander the President of the United States,” they cried with one voice. “That’s our job.” Clearly, what is needed for world peace is an attack from space.

But there will be ample opportunity to get back to world affairs soon enough. Yes, the clash of civilizations rages on, the polar icecaps deliquesce, insane despots smirk approvingly as atom bombs roll off the assembly line, and the Pope lays his plans for the Rapture, but all that must wait:

I whacked a mouse.

Yup, that’s right. I’m sure you’ve all been wondering, ever since reading about the murine invasion I limned in this space a few days back, how the fight has been going. Well, frankly, the results have been discouraging. Despite my full-theater deployment of a fearsome array of state-of-the-art weaponry, the enemy had, as of late last evening, taken no casualties. Around midnight, however, I was seated as usual at the dining-room table, about to enter the gibbering Voodoo trance that summons each day’s blog post from my innermost plimsoul, when I heard the sweet and sudden report of a spring-loaded Victor mousetrap, hard by the sideboard. I waited a dignified moment for the surcease of post-mortem synaptic activity, then trotted over to gloat. Sure enough, there he was – a doughty, grey-clad, battle-hardened warrior, fit and sleek from the fruits of my larder. With infinite respect I lifted his now-lifeless form and flushed his mouse ass down the toilet.

One down.

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7 Comments

  1. Kevin Kim says

    I’m not sure why you haven’t hired a cat to do the job. Best way to get the cat motivated: feed it very little to keep it constantly hungry.

    As for this:

    “Clearly, what is needed for world peace is an attack from space.”

    Have you read Alan Moore’s graphic novel The Watchmen?

    Kevin

    Posted September 23, 2006 at 1:34 am | Permalink
  2. Malcolm says

    Hi Kevin,

    If I could have hired a cat, I might have done so; the customary arrangement, though, is to own them, which is tedious in the extreme.

    I haven’t read The Watchmen, though if I were to hazard a guess, I’d imagine that it is a tale about a time much like ours, an era of global discord and strife, in which a divided humanity suddenly finds itself united – into the universal brotherhood that is its birthright and ultimate destiny – by the onset of a merciless attack by disgusting-looking aliens.

    Posted September 23, 2006 at 2:16 am | Permalink
  3. MikeZ says

    About time! :-)

    – M

    Posted September 24, 2006 at 8:35 am | Permalink
  4. Kevin Kim says

    Malcolm: your guess about The Watchmen is on the money for the first two-thirds:

    “…a tale about a time much like ours, an era of global discord and strife, in which a divided humanity suddenly finds itself united – into the universal brotherhood that is its birthright and ultimate destiny…”

    …but there’s a twist. Aliens both are and aren’t involved. Great story; if you’re at all into graphic novels (and this one’s considered a classic), I recommend it.

    Kevin

    Posted September 25, 2006 at 12:30 am | Permalink
  5. Malcolm says

    Mutants?

    Posted September 25, 2006 at 1:11 am | Permalink
  6. duncan says

    Holy smokes. I always thought (not having much experience myself) that bloodlust transformed into the regular variety after being sated. At least that’s what I’ve been led to believe by books and movies and so forth. Here it seems to have been transformed into some sort of weird logo-lust, a vainglory of vocabulary (if you will). I can’t remember the last blog post that had me looking at the dictionary twice – and I’m still saying “bastinadoing” to myself to get a handle on the cadences.

    Posted September 25, 2006 at 7:38 pm | Permalink
  7. Malcolm says

    Hi Duncan,

    Gee, thanks, I think.

    Use ’em or lose, ’em, baby.

    Posted September 26, 2006 at 10:01 am | Permalink