Spitzer to Resign

This just in from The Borowitz Report:

Amid calls for him to resign, embattled New York Governor Eliot Spitzer held a hastily-scheduled press conference in Albany today.

“After much deliberation, I have decided to resign my membership in the Emperors VIP Club, effective immediately,” Mr. Spitzer said. “I hope that in doing so, I will allow the healing to begin.”

Mr. Spitzer expressed his regret over the recent sex scandal, telling reporters, “I have let down my fellow Emperors and VIPs, whose privacy has been unfortunately violated.”

Under a transition plan worked out with the Emperors VIP Club, Customer Number Ten would immediately succeed Governor Spitzer and become Customer Number Nine.

Mr. Spitzer confirmed that he had already handed over his key to room number 871 in the Mayflower Hotel to his successor.

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  1. Justin K. says

    Eliot, we’re gonna miss you. It will be very difficult to replace our most jolly and telegenic performer.


    Posted March 11, 2008 at 2:28 pm | Permalink
  2. Justin K. says

    Oh and I hate to sound like I might be rubbing salt into your wounds, but you were picked to portray Wilbur Mills in our re-enactment of the DC “Fountain Splash.”


    Posted March 11, 2008 at 2:45 pm | Permalink
  3. Malcolm says

    Oh, go ahead, JK, rub away. He’s been a naughty boy.

    Posted March 11, 2008 at 2:56 pm | Permalink
  4. Justin K. says

    Well Malcolm, we in the hinterlands are somewhat stunned that the authorities are suggesting $80,000 grand for hooking sevices being spent by your governor. We don’t even spend that much on bribery.

    Just in case Eliot does come to the boondocks for any “purpose” the way we try to make paying dates is by saying something complimentary to our local talent like, “my what a beautiful tooth you have.” Pssst, Eliot, if you’re reading, I have a paypal account and you can let me do all the transacting. Okey dokey?


    Posted March 11, 2008 at 9:20 pm | Permalink
  5. Malcolm says

    Ha! Ozark humor. Good one! Keep ’em coming.

    Posted March 11, 2008 at 10:52 pm | Permalink