Back in January of 1996, I had a little mishap down at the kwoon. We had a cocky student who needed taking down a peg, and in the course of doing so I smote him with a jumping double kick — showboating on my part, really, because such things are hardly necessary for effective Hung Gar, but I knew that for this overweening upstart to be kicked twice, low and high, in a single instant would have a gratifyingly demoralizing result.
(For those of you who might be interested, the thing I’m talking about looks like this, and I used to do it very well indeed. I should make clear, however, that unlike the man in the linked video, I would never allow myself to be seen in public in that silky orange getup. It’s simple black cotton at our place, thank you very much.)
Anyway, the technique had its desired effect, but I had whacked my target so hard that when I landed I was rotating slightly to my left. My left foot hit the floor and stuck, and my knee twisted so far that I heard something pop. I had a confident feeling that something very bad had happened, and I was not wrong: I had not only snapped my anterior cruciate ligament, but had also done considerable damage to the meniscus.
I had the thing repaired, but the surgeon told me that in addition to the ACL graft, he’d had to snip out a lot of cartilage. In twenty years or so, he warned me, there was going to be trouble. He was right.
Why am I telling you this? It’s because at six-thirty on Monday morning I’ll be presenting myself at the Hospital for Special Surgery, on East 70th Street (formerly the Hospital for the Ruptured and Crippled, which I think is a far more distinctive name) to have a total knee replacement. I’ll be in hospital for three or four days, and will be liberally medicated with powerful narcotics for some time to come (I have been assured by all that the post-operative experience is chiefly characterized by a great deal of pain). All this chemistry may interfere with my ability to think or write clearly, and of course if I can’t think or write clearly I’d rather not think or write at all. So things may go a bit quiet here for a little while (although I will try to dash off a little post, once I’m able, just to make the case that I have in fact survived the procedure).
I should add that I do indeed expect to pull through; the doctor assures me he’s done this sort of thing before. If I don’t, however, I’m afraid you’ll have to content yourselves with browsing our archives. The stuff’s piled pretty high in there at this point.
10 Comments
Well.
I knew I’d be getting something on my birthday.
Didn’t have a clue it’d be you Malcolm (rather than me) beginning physical therapy. And, being the cheery sort I am, I do hope Malcolm they’ll allow you to be under the influence on my birthday as, they certainly did not with me.
“It will be a
new beginning
” they assured me.
Which is why Malcolm, the bullshit is between the assurance.
Wow. Knee replacement. One more step toward becoming the cyborg you’re destined to be. Good luck with the surgery and with recovery. You’ll be even more formidable in the kwoon when you get back: the Iron-kneed Dragon, they’ll call you. Or more in the spirit of A Song of Ice and Fire, which I’m working my way through, you’ll be known as the Groinbreaker. Or Loincrusher. Or some such. If you can get a photo of the old knee, after they take it out, please put it on the blog. And make sure the docs remember that, after they take out the old knee, they need to put the new one in.
Sorry Malcolm for being “fun & games” above – Kevin minds my conscience.
They’re doing 3-D “printed joints” these days. VA has got some trials going on. I’m trying an ankle myself … doing it “guinea-pig” right now but I’m kinda old and somebody’s got to do it. Mine’s not “3-D” as the USA doesn’t … well properly speaking the USA guinea-pigs have the balls but the F fucking DA does not. Buncha chickenshits in my generalized opinion.
Here; everybody (with good reason) worries about getting sued. Especially Republicans as they’ll be *I’m sure* fixing Obamacare.
Not the fault particularly of what the Party I regularly vote for, the Republicans but then, no Party in Washington DC will ever be volunteering to get a set of balls – maybe Hillary Clinton if she sees Bruce [Brucilla?] Jenner beats the rap for being involved in that “accident” out in California.
That’d give Hillary a leg up I’m reckoning.
(And … if it works for Hillary)
Then maybe Bill’ll have some experimental (purely in the interests of Science of course) surgery done whereby he can, rather than the rest of us, fuck himself. Then, once the Republicans see it worked for Bill Clinton they’ll say, “Well, if it managed to fuck Bill Clinton maybe we ought to authorize a few FDA trials and if, in ten years or so Karl Rove doesn’t wind up fucked, the Republicans can say, “We’ll this 3-D printing of joint replacement working so good its got John McCain and Lindsey Graham into their 70th year in office. But now the Democrats agree with us, why don’t we now declare, because the FDA is saying it’s safe – it was a Democrat idea which will inevitably bankrupt the Republic!
“Save some few trillions and get the F-35 maybe deployed by 2040 and a decade or so perhaps even the DDG-1000.”
(“But President Boehnor,” the E-Verified Micky D, burger-flipping robot seventh-shift 3-In-One-Oil dripping worker protests, “What about the children?”
“The Children!” President of Orange thunders, “Your liver to the Democrats your balls to the Republicans!”
“Okay,” say’s President Boehnor, “I’ll recommend you for an advancement … you do have a kid in tube?”
Come through it in one piece, Malcolm!
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
Malcolm, be sure to use a marker of some kind to correctly identify the correct knee to be replaced. Mix ups have happened. I drew a bulls eye on a body part one time just in case. Good luck.
Perfesser Jeff did you not watch the vid? Silky orange aside Malcolm’s protestations you’d surely not want his coming down in one piece?
Being just a ¼ fused can, I imagine if a fellow lives in the neck of the woods Malcolm does – get a fellow in a silky suit of whatever color.
Man does not live as a Lego but by every spring a Papermate a Bic, heck cheapo
ballpoint. Perhaps a Lego ballpoint at that Everpoint duration but that ink dries as it does yet being springy and I can say with some authority, I am of the opinion I’d rather be, no matter how cheapo the spring of a ballpoint than a pencil.
Don’t worry Malcolm our various arguings, you’ll be I’m certain more rotisserie than me. Probably smell better too. I’d advise … Nope.
Wow, Malcolm. That sounds like a journey and a half! I wish you all the best for a full recovery and, if possible, a relatively speedy one. Please keep us posted on your progress …
Henry
Malcolm, get well soon. I’m sure that everything will go well and you’ll be back here in no time.
Great comments from you today, JK. What a fabulously warped mind you have. I suspect you might be a closet genius. Either that, or you’re on something that I’d like a bit of. It must be so good.